2024 Quarterback Rankings
32. Bryce Young
The worst Quarterback in the league is also the smallest one. Standing at a generous ‘five-foot ten’, Bryce Young is about two inches away from being considered undersized. The next Mahomes, only four inches shorter, thirty pounds lighter, with half the arm strength, and half the mobility. Why exactly did Bryce Young get drafted first overall? I’ve seen Carolina fans say Bryce Young played behind a bad O-line and was throwing to a hapless receiving corps that couldn’t catch Covid-19 in a lab in Wuhan, but that does not excuse the eye-test. I don’t think he’s too short for the position, this is a harbinger to a somewhat optimistic Kyler Murray slotting further down the list, Bryce Young’s size in some plays this season was an asset as he was tough to see being so damn short and could almost sneak away and get lost in the fray—like a mouse. No, he’s not half as accurate as advertised, he’s got crummy footwork, and he takes much too damn long to throw the football. His offensive line ranked 15th in time per dropback according to PFF, and Bryce Young, also according to PFF data, led the league with an even 100 ‘poor passes’. On top of it all, they gave the Chicago Bears a generationally talented QB in Caleb Williams, which, in their dramatically ironic desire to get a stud QB, traded everything they owned to get Young who might be out of the league soon. If this year is a facsimile of the last, Young will not work again in the NFL; if the opposite, he could be a frisky game manager who does Gardner Minshew type stuff.
31. Sam Darnold
I’m old enough to remember when Sam Darnold went on the Bussin’ with the Boys podcast and said he’s proven he belongs in the NFL. The former third overall pick is currently playing for his fourth team and has received less playing time at each new stop, and I hate to say this Sam, but you started off in the middle of the stage and now you’re moving further and further away, pretty soon you’re going to be off the stage completely. While Darnold might believe like every other naïve QB headed straight for the cliff leading to Backup QB Canyon, that if he plays well and wins games, he can avoid being replaced by the rookie first round QB biting at his heels, but listen: it’s over for Sam Darnold. It’s never been done. They’re going to start JJ soon and Darnold will be a back-up in the league now until the end of time. Tough. Best case scenario: Darnold starts off hot, staves off the young and virile JJ McCarthy for a while, and Baker Mayfield’s this shit and leads the Vikings to the divisional round of the playoffs. With those weapons around him, anything is possible, including him piggy-backing a good team and make this ranking age poorly.
30. Bo Nix
The redheaded stepdaughter of this year’s QB draft class will be headed for Denver to play for a coach in Sean Payton who has a proven, battle-tested, fool-proof offensive scheme that will help Bo Nix reach his full potential, however menial that may be. Rookie, tough division, rebuilding team, I expect them to be selecting his replacement at the top of next year’s draft ala Kyler Murray to Josh Rosen. Bright side? Upside? Yeah, there exists a future where Sean Payton manages to wring good QB play from Nix and they sneak into the wildcard by checkdown passing their way to an early playoff exit, but that is a dubious dream to dream.
29. Jayden Daniels
Good QB prospect whose fate was cursed like the Canaanites when he was drafted to what is currently the league’s brightest dumpster fire in the night. Ever see The Shining? Don’t build a hotel on an Indian Burial ground, and don’t use Native Americans in your sports logos (unless you’re the Chiefs, they somehow get away with it). Daniels will rush for a lot of yards and he has competent-to-league-average receiving weapons around who could get him to 3500 yards passing. His running style is more Justin fields than Lamar Jackson, and his throwing style is elbowy. I could see him getting hurt or being poorly coached or having a Steinway piano fall on him as he’s walking down the sidewalk before I see him succeeding in the nation’s capital.
28. Russell Wilson
Christian good guy and totally normal person Russell Wilson has fallen off since wanting out of Seattle and again, like all tragic heroes, falling into hubris where he thought he was better than the team and more important, and blah blah blah. He’s on the wrong side of thirty, he’s without his sea legs, and he’s playing for a team that is paying him peanuts while another team gladly flips the bill to have him not play for them. But it’s not all bad. No, I see a comeback story in Russell Wilson’s future. What’s more likely is he will start 1-3 and be replaced by Justin Fields, but there is a path where Russ finds his groove, launches deep balls to George Pickens like he’s prime Doug Baldwin, finds Friermouth on the intermediate, and is supported by a Warren/Harris running back ticket. A good season could spell the verdict on his impending Hall of Fame campaign. Allegedly Russell WIlson is a good guy, but I ain’t buyin’ it.
27. Gardner Minshew
Undersized and feisty, a late round draft selection with a chip on his shoulder and a great stache to boot. This guy gives me Doug Flutie vibes; he has everything you want in a QB sans talent. He’s the one type of white guy you wouldn’t want to date your daughter, and it’s fitting he’s going to be the QB for the Las Vegas Raiders. Give me Quarterbacks Who Were One Bad Throw from the Playoffs for $1200, Alex. Next!
26. Deshaun Watson
Now here’s a guy that loves a happy ending. Well, at least he didn’t murder dogs. Look, prime Deshaun Watson was the real rival to Mahomes, okay. Forget about Burrow or Allen or Lamar, it was Deshaun Watson’s throne to overtake before the Bill O’Brien drama and the salacious news about Watson’s massage proclivities ruined a would-be cinderella. The guy is a creep, but if he can recapture the magic he once possessed, this is a scary Browns team. But for now, he finds himself in the company of bums, down in the valley of back-up QBs/rookies. He’s missed crucial amounts of time due to injury and suspension, and it seems as though the man is a shell of himself, and he will have to live the rest of his life with the legacy of perversion, downfall, and failing to live up one’s ability after being blessed with wealth most could not accrue dozens of lifetimes over. I hope he doesn’t sleep well at night, take that.
25. Jacoby Brissett
Dwyer High School alum Jacoby Brissett is ranked one slot ahead of Watson because of what he did in relief of Watson when the #MeToo martyr was serving his suspension. Jacoby is a solid QB who can keep a team above water while their main guy is absent; he’ll come in and be five hundred for a suspended Tom Brady, globetrotting Andrew Luck, or massage enthusiast Deshaun Watson. If you need someone to go five hundred for your mercurial QB room, look no further than Jacoby Brissett. He’s my guy, I rock with Jacoby like that; good arm, poised in the pocket, runs a little, and will save your mediocre team from a better draft slot. Jacoby Brissett is the best back-up QB in the league in my opinion, and the only one who backs things up better than him is Nikki Minaj.
24. Will Levis
Now here’s a guy who likes to take his shirt off in the mirror while he rawdogs mayonnaise. I wouldn’t trust my girl around him, I wouldn’t trust my mom around him, and I wouldn’t trust my franchise with him… yet. What I saw last year on tape was a QB who stood like a statue in the pocket, wasn’t comfortable scrambling, and was slow when scanning the field, which he aptly compensated for with his arm talent. Ten years ago, this guy would have been a first overall pick, but for obvious reasons he’s not nowadays. He’s an old school QB with a big arm who has the tools to be successful but has a lot to prove this season in what is quickly becoming an absolute doghouse of a division in the AFC South with Ant Richardson in Indy, CJ Stroud in Houston, and the Prince Who Was Promised ™ in Slacksonville. He’s a certified cityboy with a cannon for an arm who possesses great potential and reminds me of Jay Cutler as a passer.
23. Derek Carr
Incoming: the most prude 9-8 season you’ve ever seen. In a weak division with a team that features Olave and Kamara and an above-average defense, you would not be chastised for imagining greener pastures for a team which on paper sounds like a frisky nightmare. I want to say Alvin Kamara caught 100 check downs for 300 yards this past season, but I’m probably a touch off on the numbers. A Saints fan is like a child in math class, he looks at the wall to the slowest clock in the world and wonders when it’s all going to end. Don’t worry, in two years the saints will be tanking for a high draft pick, so there’s that to look forward to. If they can best the Buccaneers and win the division, they’ll have a home playoff game which they could win and from there who knows? Me, I know they ain’t doin’ shit.
22. Anthony Richardson
Missing a super majority of your rookie season does not do favors for the ranking, but in what little we witnessed, Richardson made quite the first impression. In retrospect, Carolina should have taken this man 1st overall instead of Bryce Young. Anthony Richardson is a Cam Newton facsimile, and oddly his injury would have been better served for the rebuild in Carolina instead of a competitive Colts team that was a Minshew muff away from the postseason. Ant has a huge arm, he’s a tank with the ball in his hands, and he has the tangibles to be an MVP in this league under what is already being labeled a QB-friendly system brought over from Philly by Shane Steichen. Is he accurate? Does he read a defense well? TBD. But is 20-odd TD passes, 1000 rushing yards, and 3000 passing yards likely? I think so, and those are the same numbers Lamar Jackson had in his MVP season last year. The ceiling for this man is vaulted, but the floor is lava.
21. Daniel Jones
Never have I ever heard a man’s name uttered so frequently as Daniel Jones’ during sports discussions on TV involving other QB’s getting paid: “If Daniel Jones is making forty million then…” or, “He’s better than Daniel Jones who’s getting paid forty mill…” look, he’s a tall white guy with a decent arm who can run a four-two-forty, and he makes twice as much money as he deserves, he should be embarrassed. He is the most overpaid Quarterback in the league. In my lifetime, he’s the first draft bust to receive a highly lucrative second contract, which is all to justify the vanity pick by the owner of the team. Drafting Malik Nabers at sixth overall means no more excuses, Daniel, it’s time to earn that money. If I owned the team, I would get rid of his direct deposit so he has to physically drive to the bank, look a teller in the eyes, and hand them his massive paycheck as the teller looks at Daniel Jones angrily and mutters, You’re no Eli Manning you goddamn cocksucker. Why is he higher than Anthony Richardson? He has a playoff win and some memorable memes.
20. Tua Tagovailoa
Coming for Daniel Jones’ title as the Most Overpaid Mid QB Who Will Never Win a Super Bowl is Tua Tagovailoa. The lefty with a fledgling arm and no running ability to speak of is the next darling of a media that oftentimes is player-friendly to a fault. Get you a woman who loves you as much as NFL media members love a replacement-level QB getting a huge deal that cripples a team’s future. Tua is the epitome of a chameleon Quarterback who is as good or as bad as the system in which he plays, and there exists no system strong enough to elevate this left-handed zygote of Chad Pennington to the Super Bowl. We all know he puts up great stats, and we all know he sucks—tough to be a Tank for Tua dweeb these days. You don’t need to be Kreskin to know hoisting the Lombardi Trophy is not in his future.
19. Geno Smith
Before I started writing this column, I wrote to Geno, but he ain’t write back. Fresh off his ballyhooed comeback, Geno has quickly entered his decline. He can throw the ball deep, he can run a little, and he’s a veteran who can pick apart a defense if put in the right spot to succeed. I’ll be honest, I watched him play maybe three games last year, but I saw the highlights and the games were telling, and telling of this: Geno Smith is inconsistent. A team of Seattle’s ilk would find more success with a Kirk Cousins or Jared Goff under center because I don’t watch Geno Smith and think game manager, and that’s what a defense-first team needs, a milk-the-clock ground and pound with a west coast passer, but their offense is almost too skilled and trait-sy by half. Good weapons around him and a hot new defensive-minded coach will keep them in the playoff hunt and if Geno Smith can put together a streak at the right time, don’t be surprised when your favorite sportscasters start flirting with a Seahawks take that won’t age well.
18. Caleb Williams
Nick Wright’s favorite prospect since the Prince That Was Promised ™ will serve up a zesty season with his flair for passing and his touch on the ball and the ballerina-esque footwork in the pocket. The daintiest QB in the NFL finds himself comfortably sandwiched between Geno Smith and the Prince himself, Trevor Lawrence, but don’t be surprised if by year’s end he’s cracked the top ten. Not in all the years of the NFL draft’s existence has a first overall pick entered the league in a better situation to succeed, and succeed immediately. DJ Moore, Keenan Allen, and Rome Odunze to boot. That’s potentially three #1 wide receivers along with an improved O-line, and a solid defense overseen by a guru-in-the-making in Matt Eberflus. However, I have a gut feeling, and call it a hunch, that it won’t be all wine and roses for Chicago. It’s never worked in Chicago—we all know they haven’t had a 4000 yard passer before—and Caleb, let’s be honest, seems to have drama attached to his vibe, and typically those athletes go ringless in their careers. Whatever happens, it’ll be good TV. If Caleb can get rid of his bad juju, they could be contenders in the playoffs.
17. Trevor Lawrence
I have a feeling that if you put Tua on the Jaguars, he would have worse numbers than Trevor, but conversely, I think if you put Trevor Lawrence on the Dolphins, he wouldn’t have the stats that Tua has. All of this is to say: Trevor Lawrence is a bad good quarterback, and Tua Tagovailoa is a very good bad quarterback. Trevor Lawrence dealt with an injury last year that derailed a promising start, and he was never the same after it. Signing a big deal coming off an injury in an improved division could spell disaster in Duval, but there is a chance for them to make the AFC championship if Trevor Lawrence has a good connection with Brian Thomas, the first round steal out of LSU. I watched plenty of Jaguar games and I always thought the problem for them has been the receiving corps, it’s full of B-players! Christian Kirk, Zay Jones, Calvin Ridley, are all twos and threes; but with a solid no.1 option, Lawrence will take the next step in becoming a thirty-TD guy and a playoff regular—can we get the man a number one option? Joe Burrow has two. An aside: I always thought they should have drafted Chris Olave number one overall instead of Treyvon Walker, might not age well but I did take victory laps in year one.
16. Baker Mayfield
Baker, Baker, Touchdown maker. This is my guy. I have a total bias for Baker Mayfield, shit, if I was Jerry Jones I would trade Dak Prescott straight-up for Baker Mayfield and deliver Dallas a multitude of Super Bowls, but that’s beside the point. He’s 16 on this list because the highs are high and fun and the lows are three teams in two years and a red-eye to Bustdom. His story arch is insane, a first overall pick to a cursed Cleveland Browns franchise that hadn’t seen success since Jim Brown was having his hands stomped on in a pile of mud by angry white men in leather helmets. Then Baker leads them to a playoff win, then a feisty game against the Chiefs which almost landed them in championship round, and then next year he gets injured and plays through it like the scrappy napoleon who walks with his chest puffed out that he is, and all that just to have the Browns ditch him for Bill Cosby’s illegitimate child. Then Baker is forced to bounce around from team-to-team playing mediocre ball for mediocre teams until he lands in Tampa Bay who has a winning culture, good weapons, and here we are, another playoff win and hope on the horizon after a new contract extension. But I see stormy skies ahead off the coast of Tampa. Historically Baker Mayfield’s career numbers look like a liar’s polygraph, and he’s due for dud, and with the departure of their OC, it’s all a matter of making the new offense work for them to build on what they accomplished last year.
15. Dak Prescott
Although I would take Baker over Dak personally, I understand it could disrupt business, but I’d rather roll the dice with a frisky Baker Mayfield than settle for the devil I know in Dak. Good numbers, solid passer who can only climb further down this list by winning a Super Bowl—losing a Super Bowl would move the needle a little, but the problem is in Dak’s ability. His arm strength doesn’t seem to be what it once was, and he does not run with the same dexterity found in his youth, and it all feels very Donovan McNabb-ish, that being Dak Prescott’s career comparison. McNabb wanted to be a “passer” and didn’t run as often, and I get the vibes that Dak wants to be seen as a cerebral QB who plays on script, and like McNabb chokes on his anxieties come playoff time. It all feels limiting when you watch them, it’s as though you know they’re going to lose the big games, and they’ll crush the rest of the putrid NFC like the bugs they are. With a fading talent, a lack of hardware, I fear that Dak’s position will only continue to fall in the years to come. Fifty-five million dollars this year? The price is wrong, bitch. He should be on a Baker Mayfield contract.
14. Kyler Murray
Although the floor for Dak Prescott is higher than Kyler’s, the unknown factor of what could be speaks to me more as a fan of the sport. This next take might have me guillotined, but I’ll say it: Kyler Murray should be the first NFL QB to be load managed. He should play every other week or only against important teams because he is injury prone like it’s nobody's business and has worn down at the end of seasons past. Adding Marvin Harrison could fill the void left by Deandre Hopkins’ departure and give the mightiest QB in the league a big target to throw to on the outside. Gannon is another Philly coordinator who seems competent enough and could build this team into a winner. Murray runs around and makes spectacular plays and has a great arm with his little frame, and it’s just fun to watch when they’re good, so, I hope they’re good. For Murray, the ceiling is high, but only because he’s so small.
13. Kirk Cousins
Aging and coming off an injury could make the Penix draft pick return dividends quicker than anticipated. Looking into my crystal ball: I see Michael Penix Jr. starting a playoff game this year. Kirk Cousins is a lock for four thousand yards, thirty TDs, and a one-and-done playoff appearance. One thing to note, however, is he has done this on bad teams: Redskins, Vikings, now Atlanta, and I can’t help but think if he was on the Rams or the 49ers, he’d be swimming in Lombardi trophies like he’s Scrooge McDuck in a bath of gold doubloons. His numbers last year before the injury were immaculate, but it’s tough to say if he will play well with what is a young and underwhelming receiving corps that as it stands has much to prove.
12. Jalen Hurts
I was high on Hurts after his second season where he lost in the first round of the playoffs to Tom Brady and the Bucs. I remember he didn’t play well, but also thinking that he had the requisite tools and composure to becoming a good QB in the league. I saw his big season coming, I took him in my fantasy draft and was rewarded handsomely for it. Last year his speed seemed diminished, and there were injury speculations, and his arm strength was affected, clearly, but he still played well despite appearing wounded. He could be in store for a rise or a continuation of his downfall. I would bet on the latter, but I remain optimistic that he will recover, and Coach Sirianni will keep his job, and all will be well for the illegitimate lovechild of Randall Cunningham and Doug Williams.
11. Jordan Love
He throws like Aaron Rodgers, he’s a good guy, and he’s had his patience put through the wringer, but it’s Jordan Love’s time now, son. If he’s on par with the greatness of the two movies before him in Rodgers and Favre, then the packers have a one-off, isolated Super Bowl to look forward to anytime in the next twenty years—so there’s that to look forward to. How often though does the third movie in the trilogy live up to the ones which came before? Is Love going to be Revenge of the Sith? Or is he going to be Godfather Part 3? Only time will tell, but for now he’s knocking on the top ten’s door. But it’s like a nightclub, a better team, aka some hot chicks, will get him inside faster, and right now the Packers as a team are a chubby Wednesday booty-call. Love has all the traits a modern quarterback needs to win, and he’s on a franchise that usually has it’s shoes tied—Love is easy to root for, and so is Jordan.
10. Brock Purdy
This is where the fun begins. Brock Purdy has climbed the ranks in the last two seasons and is now within spitting distance of invading the depths of the top-ten. His career reminds me of Tom Brady’s, late round draft pick, called a game manager, system QB, who flashes upside and plays on schedule, and the only way to break the narrative is to win and to win so much it’d foolish to deny his greatness. He’s better than his predecessor in Jimmy G and I expect him to continue his rise up the ranks and one day deliver to Kyle Shanahan that elusive Super Bowl with which he’s been in constant tango involving much foreplay and no crescendo. The Brock Purdy eye-test would have him lower on the list, but as it stands, we all have to play the game that’s on the board, and Brock Purdy just passed Go after putting a hotel on Baltic Ave and buying a railroad. What you’ll start to find is that most quarterbacks from here on out will have good teams around them because I believe no position in the NFL is an island. He’s the NFL equivalent of a born on third base baby with a silver spoon and caviar to boot, many will root for his demise, and he won’t—that’s Brady-esque.
9. Aaron Rodgers
While Jordan Love is in the dawn of his career, Rodgers is well into the twilight, and midnight is fast approaching, my pot-smoking friend. The New York Jets are either an orphan nursery or a retirement home for aged superstars. But when I look into my crystal ball, I see good and bad on the horizon. Aaron at his age could be prone to injuries and the juice might not be worth the squeeze of the media scrutiny attached to him which has only amplified since his ingression to the Big Apple. In a perfect world, he will throw for twenty-odd touchdowns, four thousand yards, very few turnovers, and play seventeen games, which is the most important thing. I don’t think there’s a pundit worth his or hers salt that would say the Jets miss out on the playoffs if a healthy Aaron Rodgers plays seventeen games. The media loved him when they needed a foil to Brady’s GOAT argument, but they have turned on him as soon as he voiced his antidisestablishmentarianism, but regardless of his beliefs, he remains a talented QB who is top ten all-time. Right now, he’s the ninth best quarterback in the league, and that’s because every other player listed above him would not perform as well, if healthy, in the same situation.
8. CJ Stroud
Fresh off of a spectacular rookie season, CJ is now enjoying the confetti-tossers in the media who once showered Jalen Hurts with affection now heap their praises unto Stroud as the best thing since sliced bread. Many have him over Herbert now, many have him in the top five, many, many will draft him in fantasy this year, and many will be wrong. We have seen better rookie seasons than Stroud’s: Baker Mayfield, Justin Herbert, and an eye-test Lamar Jackson sans the statistics. He shows a ton of promise and will likely be a mainstay in this top ten party; with his strong arm and his field vision and his ability in the pocket at such a young age, he will not find himself feeling uncomfortable in this company of superstars. Questions: Is he a product of a good system along with his much sought after OC Bobby Slowik? Is this a one-year wonder? Will Stroud adapt to the league when more film accumulates of him? We have seen RG3 go down, we have seen Deshaun Watson’s scandals, we have seen Andrew Luck’s early retirement, Carson Wentz’s sudden decline, etc. That said, if circumstances allow, CJ will continue to develop and reach his true ceiling which is multiple super bowls and contract extensions that will make him generationally wealthy.
7. Jared Goff
The fact that Sean McVey went to a Super Bowl with Jared Goff, lost, then turned around and said we can’t win the big game with him, shipped him to Detroit for Matthew Stafford and then won the damn Super Bowl without him is the biggest indictment against Jared Goff. Only here’s the thing: The Rams could have won that Super Bowl with him, sorry. That was a premature Bengals team destined for a life lesson. Goff has the arm, the vision, good footwork, accuracy. His lank physique paired with his late nineties playing style renders him a facsimile of Tom Brady, minus the cheating, and the hardware. There are maybe four teams that would vault into contention for the Lombardi trophy if Goff were their quarterback, and the Lions became one of those teams; good coach, good weapons, and a good defense, and this guy will have coin-toss odds of making the Super Bowl. Might sound like a low bar, but winning when you’re supposed to win is not always a given.
6. Matthew Stafford
With his ring secured, his long and arduous career seems bound for Canton. Matthew Stafford is an archetype: A guy who will win a Super Bowl with a good coach and some weapons. Sounds easy, right? Ask Burrow, Lamar, Josh Allen, and Jalen Hurts how easy it is—ouch! While he was always a good quarterback on bad Lions teams, we finally, in the latter stage of his career, saw what could have been if not for the constant, almost cursed, incompetency of a franchise around him. Here’s the real question: Do the Lions last year with Matthew Stafford under center, and Dan Campbell coaching, make the Super Bowl instead of the 49ers? Might be worth a conversation. His arm is still strong, he’s another year wiser, and if he can stay healthy, he’s looking at a second-round exit from the playoffs as a floor for the upcoming season.
5. Justin Herbert
The eye-test is undeniable. An arm like Zeus throwing lightning and a body, a body like David, and the head of hair like the great Achilles, and Herbert’s heel thus far has been poor coaching around him. Well, with the arrival of John Harbaugh and a megadeal contract inked, there are now no more excuses for Justin Herbert to reach his potential. This year he must take the next step and win a playoff game—that’s the bar. If he wins a playoff game, a lot of monkeys will be shed from his back, and with Harbaugh, who had success in the NFL with Colin Kaepernick, who profiles very similarly to Herbert, he will be coached properly in a system that has won at every level of football. Harbaugh is a high-floor coach, and I’m interested in the parallels of Justin Herbert and Joe Burrow’s career. Example: The Bengals selected Jamar Chase at fifth overall to give Burrow some weapons instead of drafting Penei Sewell to protect him, and vice versa we now see Harbaugh drafting an offensive lineman in Joe Alt at the fifth overall slot instead of a stud LSU receiver in Malik Nabers, and only time will tell which strategy will work best. Burrow has been injured a lot but does simultaneously enjoy the talents of Jamar Chase. All-in-all, Justin Herbert has all of the traits to be the best quarterback in the game, but he has not shown he has the winning gene which is so vital to attaining the type of success Patrick Mahomes reaps exclusively.
4. Joe Burrow
The coolest QB in the damn league, son. Joey B at LSU was the epitome of what an elite white pocket-passer can do with Jamar Chase and Justin Jefferson running open all over the field. His game is old-school in both the white-bread pocket-passing on-target offense and the fact that he’s an absolute gamer. If not for injuries, he might be higher, but we all know what toll that can accumulate on a body and being that he’s only been in the league for four seasons and he’s missed the second half of two of those years, there is caution in the wind: can he stay healthy? Evidence for Joe Burrow’s impact is simply watching how awful the team becomes in his absence. He adds a floor to a team that is undeniable and could start above everyone mentioned prior on this list. If he can stand upright for seventeen games, he will be in the Super Bowl mix. Truth be told, I should have evicted him from the top-five on this list after he showed up to minicamp looking like a microwaved version of Cody Rhodes. You think a guy with a bleached head of hair is going to lift the Lombardi trophy while confetti rains down? What’s more likely is that his hairstyle will attract bad juju and he underperforms. Juju matters.
3. Lamar Jackson
All of our fathers swear Michael Vick was better, but listen, we done with the two thousands. Lamar Jackson is the greatest scrambling quarterback of all time and his achilles heel or tragic flaw is that he seeks to be seen as an elite passer and sacrifices his god-given abilities when the spotlight is on him. To hell with what they say, run for one hundred yards and two TDs and the passing will open up. I love Lamar and for the record would have drafted him first overall (go watch his Louisville highlights, cuh) when the Browns took Baker Mayfield instead. But I digress. He won an MVP last year which is what some are calling the worst MVP winner in the history of the league—some say that, not me. Twenty-four touchdown passes in sixteen games is nothing spectacular, and neither were his five rushing touchdowns and his abnormal lack of yards coming in under one thousand, which is strange for the best running QB in the league. Did he deserve the MVP award? No, but nobody wanted to give it to a running back in Christian McCaffrey or a receiver in Tyreek Hill or a pass rusher in Myles Garrett, who all had extraordinary seasons worthy of such an accolade, but instead the media gave it to a quarterback like they always do. The worst part is, it’s the same media that will turn around and say, “How come the MVP has become a quarterback award? It’s not fair”. They literally push the discussions, but I digress again. Lamar played poorly against what was a more than formidable defense in Kansas City whose praises mostly go unsung. Well, Jackson and the Ravens will christen the league’s start to the season with a rematch of last year’s AFC title game where Lamar will seek his revenge and hopefully wash the bad taste in people’s mouths after his putrid playoff performance. Lamar Jackson is from south Florida, so he’ll get his ring, and then pawn it probably.
2. Josh Allen
The great white hope continues to suffer an inept front office that refuses to give the most physically gifted quarterback in the league the weapons he needs to succeed. Good riddance to the diva receivers in Gabe Davis and Stefon Diggs, but how about replacing them? I’ve heard nothing but Brandon Aiyuk and Deebo Samuels trade rumors all offseason—use the meagre second round pick acquired for Diggs as a trade piece or give me fifty hail marys full of grace to insure the first round rookie receiver and their tight end tandem can carry this wagon to February. Who has a stronger arm? Who runs like he does? Who has more traits than this guy? Mahomes doesn’t, but he’s more accurate and finesse to Allen’s shoot-from-the-hip/bulldog aura, and sadly those guys do not win. You can’t have a conversation about Josh Allen and exclude mention of Patrick Mahomes because he’s a game of horseshoes away from the ring. Stats and results are a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury signifying nothing, and the eye-test says bluntly, this guy is in the mix for best quarterback in the world and simply put: he lost the game that was on the board in the moment, but his day to shine will come.
1. Patrick Mahomes
Finally, the face of the league, the posterchild ad infinitum, the GOAT. No lead is safe, no field position long enough, and there is no time enough to spare. In order to beat Patrick Mahomes, you need to have the lead and you had better have the ball as the last second on the gameclock expires. What we considered clutch for Tom Brady is anticipated for Patrick Mahomes who routinely, to the point that it’s become expected, comes from behind to win the game, and he does it with an inevitability equaled in its certitude only to death. The days of fuck-it-Tyreek-is-down-there-somewhere are over, and the terror of defense-wins-championships is now on the side of the greatest quarterback in the NFL… hmm? Have we seen this story before? Apropos to color scheme, Mahomes/Reid are the fire to Belichick/Brady’s ice—I say ice will suffice. Now typically, I’m not a quarterback wins guy, meaning to say it’s a team sport, but I am a playoff wins guy. If a QB wins in the playoffs, it holds more significance because the game condenses, and defense so often dictates the terms of the outcome. If Patrick Mahomes has ten seconds on the clock and has to get a field goal, you’re out of luck. The league is in good hands for the next fifteen years.
